I think it's time I let something go in my life that has been a lifelong struggle. This is different than my usual post and may offend some people. I know for my family this is a subject that we tried to hide and don't really talk about. But for me growing up it was an everyday thing. My dad, my brother, and myself were at many times alone in our fight to deal with my mother's mental health issues. This is an account of my own personal experience with her and what it was like to grow up the child of a woman with untreated mental illness.
My mom was born in 1955, one of the youngest of 8 children. She had a brother who passed away at the age of 18 and a sister who died in infancy. I think that for her this is when her mental problems began to surface. My grandmother had a house full of children, I have 8 children and can attest that making sure each one is given equal attention is a chore, and I think my mom was attention starved. I have lost one child to a birth injury, I am overly protective of my children and live with a daily worry about their safety more than I should, my grandmother had lost two. Her oldest son died in a car accident, but her daughter had died of a common childhood illness, Thrush. I think she didn't think it was serious, I know today it isn't. But after she died I think that caused her to become over attentive of any of her children who said they felt ill. My mom being starved for attention may have noticed this and found that being sick got more of "mama's love".
Maybe that was a trigger for an already touchy gun but one of the major things in dealing with mama is trying to figure out is she is really sick. I have to ask myself when she says she's dying if its nothing more than a cold. I have to keep my children away from her in the spring because their runny noses from allergies becomes the death of her. When I was pregnant with my last child I didn't want to tell anyone until I was so far along since we had trouble with a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) a year before, my mom caught the flu I had (morning sickness)! I hate seeing commercials showing a new illness out or some old drug lawsuit because she suddenly comes down sick too. She has, in the past, claimed to have HIV from a blood transfusion, until she found out it was deadly and incurable, she has had cancer so many times I have lost count, bipolar, ADHD, asthma, something called Macgregor's Syndrome (I'll let you google that one on your own), been shot twice, had her body absorb the bullets, caught the blue flu (another fun google search),some eye disease where her retinas detach and reattach randomly, claims her skin catches on fire when the sun touches it, among many, many more! Her grandmother had breast cancer, so every bump and lump becomes cancer! She had a biopsy done on one and she claims it was stage 3 breast cancer, but the doctor only removed "half her titty" and never gave her chemotherapy. She had exploratory knee surgery that has now turned into a cancerous knot and the surgeon left a "pin" in her knee (even though the thing in a jar she shows is an office staple). I can't count how many exploratory surgeries she's had but she says they are to remove cancer tumors and every one has resulted in her having medical implements left inside of her, from simple staples to massive sponges and clamps (none have ever been removed and later xrays for other things don't show them).
That's not the worst part of her "illnesses", when I was little she took me to the doctor for a lot of things I never had, when my brother was born he was early (or so she said) and stayed in the hospital a little longer than normal. From then on out Bubba was always a "sickly child", asthma, milk allergies, he had strep throat all the time, ear infections, and any cold with him was suddenly deadly double pneumonia! He had tubes in his ears and his tonsils out. I don't think he really was that sick I think she just liked the attention she got saying he was. I know that he was overweight as a child and that can cause wheezing like asthma but I don't think you can actually grow out of asthma to become a 2 pack a day smoker. When I left my first husband, a very abusive relationship, I had kidney damage from him using my kidneys as punching bags and had to use dialysis to let them heal some. When she asked what the doctors said I told her they said they may heal on their own with the dialysis, but if they didn't I might need a transplant as the worst case scenario. She automatically went for that last little bit. But she didn't tell anyone in front of me or I would have set it right. Instead she told everyone she was so upset because I was dying with kidney failure because of my diabetes. I'm sure you're familiar with the movie she is trying to reenact. Now she even tells people that she had to go on dialysis because it happened to her.
Those are just the things she does that are public. The parts that aren't so bad. I can't say if my mom is a drug addict or not. I know she smokes weed, until I was 12 I thought everyone did! But as for the pills she gets from the doctor I don't think she actually takes them so much as sitting them out to show everyone for attention. I know if anyone gives her alcohol she fakes being very drunk and uses it to act extremely stupid. More stupid than usual. She's not very smart and she watches too much television and thinks things they do are real and then claims they happen to her. My real father was an alcoholic who would hit her but nothing more than that. She, however, claims that he is still following her around, he's been locked up for many years now. If you hear her talk about him you figure out that she's combining two other movies, and even claims that things that happened to me with my first husband happened to her. She also claims that she was raped and molested by her uncle when she was little. However, talking to her family I don't think it happened. I know the guy did molest a family member and this is sick to admit but, I think she's jealous it didn't happen to her. I think that's the thing with her, she feels her life was boring and when something bad happens to someone else she gets jealous because she wants the attention, pity, and drama.
Another thing with her is that she takes something small and turns it into a mega monster mess. She takes something simple and adds to it making it more dramatic. Lets say she has a chicken who lays an egg in the morning, by nightfall that chicken becomes a T-rex and the egg becomes an 80 ft tall, live dragon that devoured the T-rex! Like I said, she's not very intelligent and functions on the mental level of a 10 yr old. For her the basic instincts of life are compounded by the hormonal needs of a grown woman. Everything with her involves "eating, sleeping, and sex". Most conversations with her, if they don't center around illness, center around sex. As a young girl I had to learn that acting on the sexual impulses I had when I hit puberty were not how you act, the hard way. I had no sexual direction from my mom other than hearing the things she talked about and knowing she had had many sexual partners. I thought that when you liked someone you showed them by coming on to them and that if you were in a relationship with someone you kept them happy by doing anything sexual they wanted.
The most painful part of growing up with her was knowing that she hates all other females. Including me. With my brother he could do no wrong. She catered to him, babied him, and showed him affection I was extremely jealous of. If he said he wanted something he got it. If I said I wanted something he got it. She would make sure he always ate what and as much of what he wanted, but when I ate she would tell me I was going to become a "fat ass just like [my cousin] and [aunts]". I had both anorexia and bulimia and fight with both to this day because I tried so hard to make her happy by staying thin. When I hit puberty and started getting curves she would call me names like "thunder thighs", "fat ass", and "cottage cheese ass". Even though I was 20 to 30 lbs underweight at any given time she made me hate the fat skeleton I saw in the mirror. She would call my hair nappy and made fun of my "ratty ass mop" publically. After having 9 children I weigh 175 to 185 lbs, she likes to point out that she's "smaller than me" and actually got mad that I told her that we wear the same size a week after my last child was born.
To say the least my brother and I had two different moms in one package growing up. He had the loving caring mother I longed for. I, instead, had this monster that I couldn't figure out why she hated me. I have watched her "adopt" other males (my brother's friends) and call them her sons, heard her make sexually explicit comments to men I was dating, and had to listen to her tell them how I am a nasty, lazy, fat whore. She tells people I am trash and calls me a whore. She tells people I lost my virginity when I was 12 (I was terrified of having sex until I was 18) because of a note from a friend. All the note said was "will I see you on the freezer next weekend". It was from a female friend I was working the concession stand at football games with in the 9th grade. I had gotten food poisoning and felt sick and stuck my head in the freezer then laid down on top of it. The note was a joke. Where she got anything doing with sex or me being 12 I don't know. Anytime anyone was around she used it as an opportunity to belittle and insult me and look to them for approval. I learned to stay out of her line of fire when others were around mostly to avoid their looks of pity. Many times she would switch moods so fast I didn't have a chance to get out of the line of fire. She would go from happy and hyper to a screaming, angry, fist throwing dragon in the blink of an eye. Many times someone would give me something, clothes, makeup, toys, and she would get mad because they didn't get stuff for my brother before me. Many times my aunt (who growing up was the closest thing to a real mom I had) would clean out her makeup and give it to me and my mom would take it from me. If I was given toys I had to share them with my brother but he never had to. I never got new clothes unless they were given to me, most of the time I wore hand-me-downs that came from bigger children. She always bought me a size 8 shoes but I wear a 6.5 to a 7. She wears an 8 and when I couldn't wear them because they didn't fit right she would take them and tell me she wasn't "buying my ungrateful ass anymore".
Many times growing up her mood swings would result in violence, mostly towards me or my step dad. I often got spanked but there were times when my mom would punch, slap, and pull my hair. I have a scar down the middle of my lip where she hit me with an ironing board for "talking back" to her when I was 10. I learned to take care of my own hair when I was little because one time I got something in my hair and it tangled up badly around it because I was too afraid to ask her to get it out. When she found it she beat me in the top of the head with the brush and then cut my hair off into a very short boy cut that was badly gapped up. I remember being 9 years old and getting off the bus taking care of my younger cousin (she was supposed to babysit) and little brother for hours until she got home. She claims she was "working" but my mom has never worked longer than 3 months and then "gotten hurt" and got a "settlement". Once we found matches and set the carpet on fire, when she found it she lit a piece of toilet paper and made me hold it until it burned my fingers to "teach me a lesson".
I was sexually molested when I was 9 and when I told her to try to make it stop she blamed me and said that I was a liar and that I was just trying to ruin her relationship because I was jealous and wanted him for myself. She told me if I told anyone else she would beat me to death. I have only shared that information and what and who with one person since then. It is so freeing to have one person who knows what happened to me and to have them believe me.
I have friends that she smoked pot with or just others who don't know the extent of her "craziness" who tell me my mom is "so cool" and they wished she was their mom. They don't know the secret of her unmedicated mental illness or the fact that if they are girls they won't think she's so cool for long. She likes to tell people she is bipolar then act like she's having multiple personalities because of it. She's too ignorant to realize that bipolar is the one illness she's faking that probably hits the nail right on the head. I have heard people who say that seeing someone in a depressed state is horrible but I don't think they've ever seen a true manic state. They've never been woke up in the middle of the night to clean a whole house with bleach because "you didn't put the dishes up after you washed them", or have to hand wash dishes because the "dishwasher is a listening device the CIA installed to spy on her", have to clean out a pantry and put everything back because one label was turned wrong, rewash fold and put away clothes because a shirt was in the wrong drawer, or have to deal with her doing things she shouldn't because she's "hyper".
The things that are the worst are when she fakes memory problems when she gets caught doing things. She'll lie straight to my face and claim she didn't remember. I have always known she was a liar I just didn't know how badly off she was. For me that was normal life, I didn't know it was different for others. My mom used to tell us not to say anything to anyone because my dad wanted to use it to steal us and he had spies everywhere. Now she just says it never happened and tries to say I am lying about it but there are those who know the truth. The sad thing is she tries to undermine my parenting with my daughters when I say they can't do something or wear something not age appropriate. She will say right in front of them that I used to act like that or I used to dress like a slut, it makes her mad when I ask her what that says about her as my mother.
Sometimes I wished I had a better mom, I get so jealous when I see friends sharing pictures of themselves and their moms or say things about lunch with their moms. I have learned to say "I love you" and to hug my children since I have had them because my mom has never said she loves me or hugged me. Instead I have a mom who can't stand me for being born a girl and my children have a grandmother who tells everyone how much of a burden they are on her even though I try not to burden her with them. I don't like to be touched because I don't know how to show affection back, I have debilitating OCD with cleaning because of how things had to be for her growing up, I had to learn how to parent by not being like her. I think that my mom doesn't like me because she doesn't like any female. She has two living sisters she talks about as much as she does me. All I can think is she didn't like sharing with them when she was little so she began hating other females at an early age. For me growing up I was close with one female cousin and I began to have bad jealousy of her as we got older because I wanted her mom to be my mom not hers.
I only share this because I hear people all the time talking about how hard it is to live with mental illness, how hard it is for the person with the illness. But nobody ever mentions those living with them. I'm not trying to say that their suffering is any less but just trying to share what it's like for those closest to them. Maybe if there were more information out and people weren't so ashamed of admitting they have illness or that they are close to someone with it my mom would have gotten help when she was young. Maybe opening up about this will encourage another mom living with mental illness to keep up with proper treatment for her family. While I know it must be hard for the people living with it, it's just as hard for those living with you. You aren't alone, your actions also have lasting effects on those around you and most importantly your children. I want the children to know that they aren't alone either, it's not something you have to be ashamed of and its not something you did. The more open people are on the subject and the more they share the less taboo is placed on it and maybe it will improve treatment options. I had to grow up with this being swept under a rug and hidden. It was always a joke about the "crazy" but it's not a joke for those of us so close to it.
I have learned to love my mom even the way she is, she's the only mom I have but many days I just want a normal relationship, a mom who isn't sick. I have OCD, and I tend to keep things when I should get rid of them (my mom is a hoarder, her house isn't nasty but she has rooms and closets full of things), I have fears of becoming as bad is she is (even though my therapist says they will notice if I do!), I worry that I am not good enough as a mom because I don't know how to parent, and I worry my children may end up with these sicknesses.
Love,
Mom
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