So as obvious by my lack of posts I've been away. I would normally apologize but I don't really feel like I should have to anymore. I love having readers and trying to help others out but I can't rightfully say I am sorry for taking time on myself and my family.
But I am back, for now. I need an outlet to vent about things in life. Somewhere to get things off my chest or just be me. For some crazy reason typing them out to an invisible audience is better than all the expensive ass therapists my insurance doesn't cover. Bitching and whining seems to release things but you have those assholes in your circle of friends who thinks that you owe them something, they are only there for the show, or they try to make you feel worse for feeling bad.
I know everyone knows the type I mean. When you say your feet hurt they always come back with "be glad you have feet to hurt, someone has no legs would love to feel their feet hurting". Yeah well I don't give a fuck about them, MY body is in pain and the fact that someone without legs would trade places with me doesn't change the fact that I am in pain. You say that you have anything negative and they have that come back of you shouldn't be because someone has it worse than you do. Like feeling bad is not allowed. Like they expect you to keep everything bottled up inside of you until you explode.
You also have those friends that make you feel like they are better than you or they have it worse than you. Like everything has to be a competition to them. You say your feet hurt and theirs hurt more. You post that you managed to walk a mile and they post their entire prefabbed work out and show you how much better than you they did when all you wanted was a little encouragement because a mile isn't really that much unless you haven't even been able to walk to your mailbox without an asthma attack. They make you feel like nothing you do matters and you hold it all in until loneliness makes you implode and disappear.
That's where I am now, I have a lot of things I am going through and nobody to turn to about it. I try to turn to friends and they make me feel like shit and show me that I am all alone. There have been some things that are heavy on me and I have nobody to talk to about it. I did something that got me into a lot of trouble. I changed the expiration date on an old restraining order and gave it to someone to try to protect my children. The person I gave it to molested my oldest child. We went to the cops and Stephens County Georgia and Franklin County Georgia said they didn't feel the need to pursue the case because it had gone past the statute of limitation. This person still had the right to visitation with a few of my younger children. I wasn't even able to get a real order of protection because the person was homeless and had no address to be served at. So under the guidance of an investigator and a judge I changed the date.
It took Stephens County (the county that refused to do anything about a child being molested) 3 years to figure out what had been done and they took it personal. I was convicted of a felony paper fraud over one fucking number. I had to accept what they were offering because the backwoods judge took it personal that I had fooled him and wanted to put me in prison for 10 years and give my children to the child molester. Total faith in our judicial system now! It would have cost me less in legal fees and problems if I had put a bullet in his head instead of divorcing him.
Everyone I have confided in told me I reacted wrong and I should have let the law handle it. I tried to let the law handle it. We live in a country that protects criminals and fucks the victims. I did what I did to keep my other children from being victimized like my older child was. Not only did that person hurt him but he was told that the great state of Georgia doesn't care if you were molested and were afraid to tell anyone until you were old enough to protect yourself. Ok was it wrong yes, but done is done I can't fucking change it.
I was given 80 hours of community service, $1000 fine, and $800 restitution to the guy (yes, I am having to pay money to a guy who molested my child, doesn't pay child support, and has an aggravated stalking charge for harassing my family), $400 legal fees, $180 to the state for legal fees, and 5 years probation. I can't get a job because nobody wants to hire a convicted felon but I am costing my family money we can't afford. I have to try to find time in a schedule that doesn't allot time for me to take to myself much less go serve the community.
On top of this stress I have gained 100 lbs in the past year. Every effort I make to lose weight I start gaining or plateau out. I had plans to visit a friend but I am not legally allowed to leave the state without a permit. I asked for it but it was not approved in time and I have a bus ticket sitting waiting and I am ready to leave without the permit. I am so stressed out I just want to go away. I feel like everything I try to do for me lately either gets shoved to the side or canceled for me. When I try to get help for anything I get pushed to the side, made to feel like I'm nothing, or ignored. I'm sick of the people when I try to talk to them about things they feel the need to try to make shit all about them and how it's so much worse for them. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being a burden on my husband who works his ass off to support us.
I'm just at a point of wanting to be done with this life, I have nothing to offer. I'm sick of feeling alone in a room full of people. How long can one person be ignored or shoved to the side before they really do disappear? Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even notice if I did? Its really sad that I had to post a rant on a blog because when I try to talk openly with people around me they either change the subject, make it about them, tell me how much worse it is for them, how much better than me they are doing something, or ignore me altogether. This is my only means for an uninterrupted outlet to vent things that I feel are weighing me down. I'm sure there will be those comments left telling em to get over it but I am human and I have the right to feel the way I do and I really don't care if that offends anyone anymore. I need to be me.
I do have a few friends I can talk to about things that are there for me but I know that they have things going in their lives and I don't want to burden them with my issues. I am thankful they are there for me.
Love,
Mom
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