The past few mornings instead of trying to fight him back into his bed, I just get up and spend a little time with him. Time when everyone is still asleep and not demanding my attention. We just sit on the front porch and drink our coffee. Yes I give the 3 yr old coffee get the fuck over it! Most mornings we talk about the chickens clucking or the rooster crowing. But yesterday just before the sun came up the birds started chirping loudly.
Porkchop asked me did I hear them all. I told him they were loud, but instead he told me that they were singing because it made the sun happy. When the sun was happy it would come out to hear them sing. Then he pointed to the little bit of sun peeking through the trees at us. He said "see they sing for the sun".
It reminded me when I was little and I would get a song stuck in my head and walk around dancing to it. My grandmother would tell people who picked on me that I was just hearing the angels singing and that they had gotten too old to hear it anymore. Him saying "they sing for the sun" reminded me of that time. He hears the angels sing and I've gotten too old to hear it. Not that they had stopped singing because I had gotten older but just that so much got in the way of me being able to hear them.
Sitting there for just a few minutes with him, because who gets more than a few minutes with a 3 yr old, I was able to hear the angels sing again. I learned more about myself in a matter of 5 minutes than I have in 38 years of trying to find me. I worry too much, I care too deeply, and I love too hard. I put too much of myself into people who don't give it back. Its like a rope they just keep pulling and I am at the end off it now and they keep pulling. I am being pulled into their mess and I need to just cut the rope. I need to just sit there and listen to the angels sing.
Life is easy when you stop trying.
Love,
Mom
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