Thursday, March 19, 2020

Tips From an Agoraphobic

The one thing I am open about in my life is that I have a type of "high functioning" agoraphobia. Along with that comes some pretty good tips on how to avoid people!

Tip #1 Put a note on your door telling deliveries to leave the package by the door and ring the bell. Any time I am expecting a package I get anxiety. If the delivery guy going to want me to sign something? Will they knock on the door? Will I have to interact with them?


Some days for me interacting with other people, or even the idea of having to interact with them, causes this feeling of dread in my chest. I can't even make phone calls some days because of that fear. It has a valid point many times, fear that they will ask a question I don't have the answer to or that the answer I have isn't satisfactory to them and they demand more. In my first marriage, if I couldn't answer him with what he wanted to hear he would punch me in the mouth. That has carried over into a fear of talking to people. Most of that anxiety is calmed by leaving a note on the door for delivery guys to just let me know they are there by ringing the bell and walking away.

Tip #2 Be loud and proud about not touching! Let people know that you do not hug, you do not shake hands and if they get too close tell them you are not comfortable. If they cannot respect your boundaries then you do not have to respect them.

For as long as I can remember I do not like touching or being touched. When I was little "someone" in my life used to always be the huggie-feely type, but when you did let him hug you those hugs came with gropes. I hated the way he would lift me up by the crotch and pretended to be doing a bear hug. 9 times out of 10 that hug involved a finger being shoved painfully into the vulva area. At that point I started being very loud about not hugging. My family is the kind that played off the groping uncle with a "he's harmless" or a "he doesn't mean anything by it". So instead I became the weirdo who screamed at people for trying to hug me. I became the rude little brat who would scream, bite, and kick anyone who tried to touch me. After years of having other men in my life try to do the same thing it just because normal behavior to me. I don't touch anyone, I also don't let anyone touch me. I hate those people who tell me that "we're huggers you're just gonna have to get over it". Usually anyone who tells me that is cut off. I don't have to get over it and they have to learn to respect me and my wishes for how and who touches my body.

Tip #3 If you are invited to a group setting don't be afraid to cancel at the last minute. People should understand. If they really know you they will understand. Its all there is to it.

I learned a long time ago not to put myself in a situation that causes me to not be able to breath. I hyper ventilate because I can't watch everyone at all times. I've been using cognitive behavior therapy to be able to go grocery shopping or to go to events my kids' schools host. But even then I have my limit depending on where I am, how many people there are, or what is going on. On days when I know its bad I just don't. The people closest to me understand and they don't push the issue.

Tip #4 Just because you're afraid doesn't mean its irrational. Fear is the mind's way of protecting the body from what it sees as danger. Listen to your on feelings and respect yourself before giving into the pressure others put on you. You have to live with the emotions it brings, you have to live with the chest pain, you have to live with the intestinal upset it causes. Not them. You are really feeling fear and you can't just turn it off to make others happy, but they need to learn to respect you. The one thing you can do is not let the pressure of others cause you to put yourself in situations that cause you farther emotional injury.

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