I guess it didn't take so long!
You know this is better than an actual journal or diary! I can get things off my chest and honestly with the comments on I can get feed back on if I am over thinking or not.
This one should have a trigger warning, but since this blog is about mental issues and other random shit going through my head I figure you read at your own risk.
But this past week I finally have come to terms with the fact that what my first husband called sexual obligations of a wife were in fact rape. Where I grew up and the type of family structure I grew up in there is no such thing as spousal rape. "A wife should always make herself available to her husband no matter how she feels".
But things that he did I didn't agree to nor enjoy, sex with him became something I "slept" through. And by "slept through" I mean checked out mentally and went somewhere else in my head. I would spew a standard script of "oh", "yeah", and "ah" to help him along faster but for the most part if it wasn't painful I just wanted him to get done and leave me alone.
Over the course of our relationship, 5 years, I only had sex with him (or his friends but more on that later, its not what you think) but ended up with 6 different STD diagnosis. So one of us was having more sex than the other. Since I was not allowed to be alone with anyone, including doctors, usually it was blamed on me. I got to the point I lost all sex drive. I never wanted to have sex again for as long as I lived. At that point I even hoped that was as short as possible.
But speaking with my therapist about a few issues I've had lately with my current husband (lucky #3) she asked me about the rapes I suffered with my first husband. I didn't know what she was talking about, because there is no way I lived through 5 years of constant rape and sexual abuse.
Boy was I wrong. Here are a few situations she pointed out to me that really put things into perspective.
#1 the very first time, we had just been married but I was 3.5 weeks out from giving birth vaginally. He pressured me into sex that was painful and while I had not been put on birth control yet he insisted on not wearing a condom because I "was his and he would do as he pleased with me", to him our marriage certificate was a certificate of ownership. I ended up pregnant again and that pregnancy did so much damage to my body it didn't heal for almost 20 years.
#2 The first time he proved I was property and he'd do whatever he wanted with me. He brought a friend home from work to "watch us have sex". I was not ok with this but he told me if I didn't do it he would "beat the fuck out of me" and by beat the fuck out of me he meant he would beat me until I agreed. So literally beat the fuck out of me. The friend wasn't happy just watching. That was the first sex act I was forced to perform on his friends. Luckily it was just a hand job. It only got worse from there.
#3 STD the first! He came home late one night with 2 friends, apparently they were comparing wives. I ended up with 2 black eyes, a busted nose, and a broke wrist, as well as Chlamydia. I don't like to relive that one and this post has already taken me 6 hours to type.
#4 We had been split up. Yay me for leaving....total failure. Fuck father's rights! He had my 2 daughters for a visit with his mother (the worlds biggest bitch, who enabled his deviant behaviors thankfully she's dead) when he was already hours late dropping them off I assumed him showing up was them being dropped off so I opened the door to welcome my children home. There I was rushed inside by him and one of his friend. Jessie. I am not supposed to say his name, legally, but fuck it my rapist's name was Jessie. To teach me a lesson he had his friend join him. Jessie violently raped me, I required hundreds of stitches to repair the damage to both my vagina and my rectum. Including my intestines. I had a broken cheek bone and a snapped hyoid bone. I was pressured by the police, the district attorney, and investigators to drop the charges, in spite of all the evidence including the 4 hour surgery to repair a fistula between my vaginal canal and my intestines, because my ex was testifying as a witness that I had agreed to it all. I had my entire past pulled up against me, I had the fact that I had 4 children by 3 men used against me, and then I found out I was pregnant. I was told that with all the "information" being used against me HE would be given full custody after the case was thrown out. I drop it all and externalized it. I hid my daughter's paternity.
#5 After that event I went back to him because his mother was given custody of my children until it all blew over. I found out later the case worker who took them because she thought I was overwhelmed at the time was in fact her niece. One of many abuses of the legal system the family did to harass me. My ex brought home a dog and tried to force me to have sex with it. I fought back and refused. I was willing to die that night. He beat me to nearly unconscious, then out of anger he beat the dog to death. The act of killing that dog turned him on while I lay in semi coma state of concussion he anally raped me and beat me while doing it.
#6 and the reason I finally had to leave him no matter if it killed me or not. When my 6th child was born (another control method, I wasn't allowed birth control because if he wanted children I couldn't say no). I had to have a c-section. While I was in the hospital he went out with his mother and his stepfather who got him drunk to celebrate, knowing full well he was a violent alcoholic, and then brought him back for me to deal with from a hospital bed. His reasoning was that I didn't give birth out my vagina so it should still be "tight". He told me if I screamed he'd drop my son on the floor and bust his brain. He then forced me to have sex with him. They hadn't even taken the urine catheter out yet. Lucky for me the spinal hadn't worn off yet so I couldn't feel the full pain of it all. That was also when he gave me STD #6 trichomoniasis.
This is only 6 of the most serious times, there are many many many more.
After all of this I finally decided I needed to get out of there either by death trying or whatever it took. He tried his same crap over and over. He would use child protective services to constantly harass me. He would refuse to bring the kids home when he was supposed to, to the point I got arrested for them missing school. I found out later he wouldn't even have the kids with him. If they were lucky he dumped them on his step mom or aunt. But my daughters to recall a time he left them with the really fat woman with the Mexican husband. That was his drug dealer's wife who couldn't have children. This asshole who had me threatened with prison if I didn't let him get the kids wasn't even taking care of them, he was dumping them off on his meth dealers wife while he got fucked up.
He even tried to force sex on me after that and would become enraged when I refused. All in all his mother used law enforcement friends (I do not trust cops as far as I can throw them), Child Protective Services ( I should have a legal degree after all the legal info I have about them), Stephens County school officials in 2006, and people who would lie for her and claim they were witnesses to harass and bully me into taking her son back. I found out later on that he beat her too and she was just trying to pawn him off on anyone that she could.
She thankfully died of cancer in 2009. I have never been happier over someone's death until her's quickly followed by her mother's. Its just a fact of abuse, their death is a feeling or release. Like being free. While he still harasses me to this day and stalks my family, his support system is dead and everything he does is too obviously criminal to be over looked. While I still live with the emotional issues and increase in mental illness from his treatment of me I will not give in to a single pressure from him or anyone in his favor trying to force me to do anything.
My son came forward 10 years ago and told the police that he had molested him during all of that. While there is a stupid statute of limitations and he couldn't be charged or even have it on his record, I did have a sheriff tell me that even though it is a violation of a court order, not to let him have any access to the children. I cut off all contact with him including his family.
I am sorry for any typos but I'm not going back to proof read this because it is now 24 hours since I started writing this and if I do I won't post it.
*Edit* I don't need opinions about what I should have done, I do that to myself on a daily basis. I should have left, I tried many times to have him use my kids to force me to come back so he didn't kill them. I really believe if I didn't he would have followed through his threats. Our laws in the US allow abusive exs to see their kids and many of them use those kids to hurt the women who try to leave them. This was before mainstream google use, besides even if we had access back then he wouldn't have allowed me to use it, so I had no idea where to find help. Child Services was being used to make my life hell. I lost 32 jobs because of them. I didn't even have my own family because I was isolated from them for so long I didn't even know how to contact them.
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