I have friends who like to party too much and their number one saying is that they like to get "lit". I guess my shitty life choices like to get lit in other ways. Like Gas lit!
All the crazy I've been trying to get myself under control with the past year hasn't been really as bad as I have been lead to believe it was.
Then imagine that person convincing that you are overthinking things and that you are just making the things you know you see and feel up. They use your past trauma to make you think that things all just being blown way up bigger than they are. They tell you that your anxiety is getting to hard for them to deal with and that you need to call your doctor and get him to fix your medicines.
That's what my past year has been going through. I have some pretty serious mental illnesses from growing up with a mother who wasn't just a narcissist and a drug addict, but also has Munchausen Syndrome, the abuse growing up was pretty deep on both mental, physical, and sexual. My first attempt at marriage was with a man who would beat the hell out of me daily, padlock windows and doors from the outside, he would hold me down for her friends to rape me, and destroyed me mentally. So I have a lot of issues going on in my head and I do sometimes overthink a lot into things.
The past year I have been told by my husband when I would ask if he was mad or what was wrong I would get told that he wasn't mad that I was just projecting things I wanted to see onto him with my mental issues. He would tell me that when he was avoiding me I was just being overly clingy and that there were just a lot of things he needed to do. But during that year alone I had to pretty much do anything that needed to be doing because he was always preoccupied with "other more important things". It came down to me not being able to depend on him. I knew something was going on.
A man doesn't claim to need a "friend" to talk to or someone to escape to because he feels "lonely" when he has a wife asking him if he wants to talk or if he's ok. A man also doesn't tell you that you are smothering him when he is also saying he feels lonely. He went out of his way to be mad at me all the time, like little things I would do were infuriating to him. Something as simple as not being able to fully tell him what he wanted to know about something he asked me about last minute would result in him being so mad at me that he would feel like he wasn't even there with me. Any appointments with the kids became 100% on me and if I happened to have teacher meetings and doctor's appointments on the same day and forgot to plan dinner he would make me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. He wasn't part of us anymore. He didn't help with the kids, he didn't help with the house until it got out of hand and he would make me feel completely useless when he would help finally, it became a joke in the house when someone asked what he was mad about that the older kids would say its just Saturday. Anything I was interested in became something he totally hated to the point I couldn't even be interested in it anymore. I had so little help at home that I started shutting down orders for my business because he just was never there.
He was online a lot, playing a shitty fucking game from the early 2000s called RuneScape. A game he used to say he hated because of his mom. But now he was coming home from work and sitting down to the computer and sitting on that game for hours. He was on the computer on it, he had it on his phone, he was even playing it while we were laying in bed. He withdrew sex from me and the few times that we did have sex he would fake cumming to make it end. It felt disconnected and rushed.
Now I find out that during the time my mental illness was being thrown against me to make me second guess shit right in front of my face, he has been having an online relationship with a girl he met. They realized that they could use the game to carry on with it online and he spent every single second he was supposed to be home in some cheap fantasy world online. He wasn't even forthcoming with me about everything. Every little component had to slowly trickle out like it went from him deleting messages on Facebook to keep me from finding out who she was and any way of locating information about her so I didn't confront her, to lie straight to my face about talking to her on the game. He has this common liars block where they twist the truth to imbed the lies so that it's not really lying, just not being completely truthful. He refuses to be honest with me about those messages. He is still lying to me about things because his phone has been glued inside his pocket and on not just silent but not to vibrate either. I know that they have carried on outside of online. But he is still trying to gaslight me with overthinking things.
I ended up on medications because of him to treat symptoms of my illness he had me believing was going on. Medicines that mistreated my illnesses and was badly affecting my ability to deal with reality. He did that to cover up an affair he was having with another female and he destroyed the last little bit of my sanity to protect another female. And even now he's still protecting her. He's still covering her up. He won't let me do shit without him right up my ass including taking a shit. I'm not allowed to be alone and he's still trying to keep this from reaching her. He's still worried about how this is going to hurt her. He doesn't care that his actions have completely destroyed hope his wife had in getting better, he is just worried about her.
I just want the lunchroom level noise in my head to stop. And I am not even given a chance to think and to decide what I want to do because nobody in my life understands exactly how fucked up I really am. I can't get the right help I need because of how it will affect my children, I can't be myself because I am not who my husband wants, and I can't tell my friends because they are all needy emotional children who would rather tell me about their problems than hear mine. I am so sick of being too much, too old, too loud, too abrasive, too honest, too alive. I have this one person in my head that is telling me that if I was dead things would be so much better. My kids wouldn't have to deal with the trauma I cause them. My husband wouldn't have to fake caring about me. My husband could be free to be with whoever he wants without the worry that he will have to share custody with me.
I just want to stop existing and I am fighting my demons really hard to avoid crashing into them because my husband wanted the excitement of fucking around and completely untied years of hard work with my psychiatrist to cover it up.
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