My Life

I know I've been away for a long time. Hell I'm not even sure anyone actually reads this shit anyways.

I guess this is just where I rant about everything I have no control over. Things I can't fix, stop, or even do anything about.

I've been through hell the past 2 years and it seems that when shit gets really bad you find out who really loves you. When you are falling apart they help pick up the pieces and clean up the mess. Some people are just there when its all good. When it gets too deep they tend to ghost on you. But the real people are the ones telling you to get your shit together and handing you the pieces they've found.

A few months ago I tried to kill myself. I think back about it now and I still think it was the right thing to do. If I wasn't here everyone's life would get better. My husband could find someone who is less of a mess. My kids hate me anyways. I tend to fuck up everything I touch. But I'm not at the point where I want to be dead right now. I know that if I did it, there would be serious damage to someone in my life from it. So like I always do, I have to think about everyone else's feelings over my own.

I'm so sick of existing though. People are disgusting creatures. I turn on the news and that's all I see. Humans destroying everything. The current president wants to start the next world war so his family can profit from it. But there are still people who support him and even think everything he does is wonderful. I've come to see those people as who they really are. Either he appeals to their need to hate minorities, women, blacks, foreigners, or just anyone they don't like; or they think that he's gonna make them rich just like him. They can't see that master still has a whip and looks down on the slaves that work to build up his empire. They are blinded by greed and ignorance.

We live in a world where natural resources are taxed and a fee is placed on them. You can't take a sip of water without a logo being stamped on the side and an expiration date. An expiration date on water...

There's no value placed on anything anymore. People go out in life with the intention of theft from others. They know from the start that the game is called deception. So why keep trying to chug along in that?

But no I am not going to hurt myself, there are pills for that. They numb my soul and silence my spirit because there is too much me. If the world can't handle me then why was I born? Why is it I have to take chemicals into my body so everyone around me can handle their inability to accept that I am not who they want me to be? "You're too abrasive", "It's not what I expected", "I just can't see what you see", "I thought", "I want", "You need to", "can you just"....

So yeah that's my life...