I have a lot of "me toos" in my life lately. People who wanna be like Mike. They think there is glory in having a tiny heard of minions to shape and mold into future world leaders. Like there is some badge involved in trading sanity for maternity!
Contrary to what 19 Kids and Counting has taught you there is no glory in having a ton of kids!
With that being said I love my huge family. I love my kids with all my being and often times call them my horcruxes, because they are each tiny fragments of my soul that keep me alive. They are the reason my heart continues to beat and each breath fills my lungs.
But there is no golden glory in that. There is no status standard for all other moms to be judged by. Nothing pisses me off more than to be compared to or to have some other mom try to shame me or make me feel like less of a super woman than I am.
When I have a mom try to shame me because my 2 yr old currently has 3 stitches in his lip or the fact that tonight's dinner consisted of pizza rolls and cupcakes I can't help but laugh. You think you are better than me because your dear sweet babes had organic, non gluten, non GMO, all natural vegan dog shit for dinner? No you aren't bitch I made humans just like you did.
Humans have this thing called free will. No matter how many lessons I teach them, how many safety features I install, or how much healthy I push eventually they are going to realize they have free will and chose to use it. They are going to flex their wings and fly straight at the sun.
Why? Because Mom taught them to reach for the stars and the fastest way to get there is to shoot straight up. Will they fall? Probably. But they have to be allowed to.
It is one of the most stressful aspects of being a mother, and when a woman like me has as many kids as I do they test your ability to handle stress. You can kiss all sanity good bye. There is no such thing as calm when you have your little tribe of free willed humans doing what humans do best! Exerting their own freewill! HA!
You spend every waking hour trying to save them from their own need to explore. You worry are they eating enough, are they making good choices, did you teach them how properly, you worry that they are fucking up because you fucked up.
Never mind the fact that you aren't getting any sleep over them never having the same sleep schedules ever, never mind that some of them got up at 5 am or that some of them aren't going to bed until 1 am. Never mind that they never take a nap at the same times. Never mind that they sleep in shifts to make sure that you don't even have a chance to wipe your ass or have sex.
Lets talk about true exhaustions! The exhaustion that keeps you up for days on end! Exhaustion that creeps in and reminds you that there is stuff to worry about when you are just starting to doze off. The type of exhaustion that makes you lay awake while those few hours you could have slept tick away.
For each child you worry about everything they do, everything you do, everything you may have done wrong. For each child there is a part of you that becomes solely devoted to them. The more you have the less of you there is. You become so exhausted from your own thoughts that you don't even have time to think about masturbation much less sex! You don't have time to keep up with gossip and worry about what others are doing. You don't have time to compare yourself to other moms. But it never fails there is going to be that one mom who only has one or two kids who is going to judge you or try to degrade you because they think they are perfect.
Here's the sad truth of life. Those moms are jealous of the fact that you are supermom and THEY feel inadequate next to you. They feel like they aren't doing things as well as you do them or that their kids aren't as good as yours. They think that this is a competition that we can get out of alive. They don't understand the crisis that is raging inside the chaos that is your mind. They think they need to tear you apart and make you feel like less so they can feel better. They don't understand the insecurity they have stirred up in an already raging mind.
Mothers as a whole need to stand together and build each other up. Your children aren't any better than anyone else's. You are no better or no worse than any other mother. All children are unique and have their own special needs, and each mother has to curve herself around those needs. So every one of us is the same divine goddess. We created unique human beings. No other person will be the exact same and no mother will be the same as any other. Embrace the differences and try to see the beauty in it.
Love,
Mom
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