Oops! I Forgot!

Its been a long time since I remembered this blog!
I don't know why it helps me mentally to get things off my chest that bother me or that I may be over thinking.

I've been over focusing on seeing my psychiatrist and trying to get my head around having an actual label for what has me so fucked up in the head. I'm not ready to share the full level of how insane I actually am but lets just say its not good.

One thing I can share is the agoraphobia. I am not a total shut in from it but I am not exactly at a healthy functioning level with it. I hate interacting with people to the point that many days I will avoid phone calls to keep from mentally focusing on the conversation at hand. The agoraphobia is a symptom of a bigger issue but it is the one that gives me the most trouble. That anxiety of having to leave the safety of my own living room. The risk that someone will offer to shake hands and I will have to be the cunt that leaves them hanging. I don't even like hugging friends. There's this feeling when someone else touches me where I mentally focus on where they touched me. I can feel it like they left a film of themselves behind on me. Then I read things about how many skin cells are shed in just brushing contact and how the oils that our touch leaves behind can actually leave DNA behind. Not to mention the feces, urine, bacteria, germs, and viruses transfer from a touch.

I know that sounds insane coming from a woman with 9 children and a husband but its those things I think of when I touch someone I don't want to. Even in a casual handshake. And again the title of this blog is Mom's Mental Madness. Knowing that a sneeze can travel up to 200 feet from its point of origin, some strangers pie hole, makes it hard not to carry a can of Lysol around to bathe in after I get back to my car while grocery shopping.

Its even worse after I have to take one of my kids to the doctor for a "wellness" check. Why the fuck do they want me to bring my healthy child in to their office where they have a section for sick kids that is usually no more than a row of chairs on the other side of the room?  I mean is it really necessary to constantly measure my child and weigh them like produce so it can be logged into a national database of statistics? 

Then there is the huggy feely people in public when you meet them. You best believe that meat paw you have extended is going to just float there untaken. I don't know when the last time you washed it was. And if I happen to run into a hugger I am going to hurt their feelings. I don't care. You are not forcing me to compress my body into your body so you can get a euphoric rush. I don't love you that way. I mean really how was this even started? Randomly, body smooching others. If you are not my husband or my child I'm not hugging you. But people literally get offended that you don't want to touch them. I'm offended you can't respect my bodily autonomy.

Just morning issues, sorry I may forget about this blog again for another long stretch, Who knows I may be back tomorrow!